Is it really this simple?

I'm sitting here at 10:30pm writing this because I cannot find sleep in my consciousness. My life is before me and I seem to not be able to do anything to get myself forward. I just get motivated, and then suddenly I get hit with this wave of whispering consciousness, that's telling me I'm stupid, that I can't do anything, that I'm worthless.

But I know this is far from truth. I know that God has greater plans for me, and I know that he loves me more than I could ever comprehend. I love him so so much. He uses me as a tool in so many of my friends lives, and it's been so amazing to see them grow in faith with him, as they walk the road with him.

But here I am, stuck, and my feet are stuck to the ground, I'm to nervous about my future that I can't do anything about it. It's sad butt true, I'm week in the area of integrity. But in me I know one thing I love. Is preaching God's name, telling people the truth, and showing compassion where other's wouldn't. I love to represent forgiveness as a whole. I love who I am.

Is that my problem? Do I love who I am so much that I'm to scared to move forward in my life? That might be the case. but one thing I need to remind myself, is that I have a spiritual gift. And I know God will utilize that, for his greater glory. And I'm very happy to oblige.

I've come to the conclusion that the only thing holding me back is doubt. Because I want to go into pastoral studies, but the thing holding me back is not any part of me. It's just the demons inside of my soul telling me that I'm worthless. Why would they do that? Because I know that I have the capability to reach out my long, clumsy arms, and touch so many people's lives. That is why the devil would be working against me. It explains a lot.

I'm only wrote this for my own sanity. I just needed to clear my mind. I do apologize about this.

My name is Jonathan, and I belong to him.

Suffering

Look, I've gone through life trying to help people, and sometimes it's just gotten me in a lot of trouble myself. And it's hard to know that something terribly wrong is going on with a loved one, and they don't see it. It's like cutting your own hand without realizing it. And not even checking if someone tells you it's happening. One common thing, so many different people with different personality traits have said this. And these are words that I just hate hearing.

"You just don't understand" 

Two of my closest friends have told me this in the past month. You know what? most of the time I do not know the pain they are feeling in that situation. But the thing that pains me the most about those words, is the fact that they just gave in to blindness. They just turned to deceiving themselves into believing that they are special, and that no one can help their miserable little life. 

I don't mean to be talking down to these people at all. I do love to help. But one thing I've come to realize about these people, is that they have no idea what they are saying. Basically it's saying "You don't know what it's like to suffer" Is that true? Of-freaking-course it's not! Everybody knows what suffering feels like. 

It's just our own bitter demise that temps ourselves into believing that we are experiencing a special kind of pain. Pain is a heavy load, but you know what? When friends,  and family are offering to help even out that heavy load, I'd let them. Bilbo says it very well, in lord of the rings. "I feel like butter being scraped across to much bread" 

The other thing, is that we have to be open to suffering. Suffering is something that we all must encounter before we reach our final destination. It's literally impossible to go through life without some amount of pain, or suffering. But does it help to know that there is someone up in the sky, who knows what is best for you? yes, and knows that you'll enjoy the results of this suffering much more than anything you could dream up on your own. How does he know? It's easy, he created you for that purpose! 

I see suffering as a challenge, is like a test that God is giving us. Just so see how well we push through, and if we still have faith; and if we glorify his name. Why on earth would you want to fail this test? Heck, I wouldn't. Whenever I feel like I'm suffering, I'm usually quick to remind myself how much pain, and suffering Jesus went through when he died on the cross. Very very little pain in reality. We should be very grateful. 

Hmmmm....

How am I going to leave you with this? Try to be more open when you feel emotional pain. It might up to share the pain your experiencing. And I'm not saying you should go around telling strangers your sad story, I'm saying that when someone lends a hand, go ahead and take it. 

Wake up and leave your one person pity party! There is a God who loves you. 

Psalms 34: 17-18 "The righteous cry out, and the Lord hears them; he delivers them from all their troubles. The lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit." 

My name is Jonathan, I belong to him. 

I belong to him.

Last night was my last performance of my last show I will probably ever be in. And I look forward now to college, or I'm trying to at least.

As I'm singing the last song, I look out into the audience and see my mom, almost in tears, as this is her last curtain call from her line of six kids. I made her proud, I can tell cause she was crying. Looking around at all my friends I've made in the past four years here in this drama group. They are all smiling and rejoicing God's name.

As the song finishes, the lights go down. I look over at my friend, who played the main character. I give him a hug. He doesn't see the tear in my eye, but I let him know that he is going to be missed. Walking off the stage two of the girls who played big parts give me high fives, and a pat on the back. This just sent me through it all.

I felt my lip curl over and my eyes start to water, i quickly escape to the bathroom and pull myself back together. Leaning over the sink I look at myself, and suddenly I see a man before my eyes, It was a moment of realization for me, that I had grown up, and I have responsibilities now. My life was before me, and it is up to me, to follow God's plan and glorify his name along the way.

I have faith in myself to follow God. Now I know I'm not very good at writing, science, or math. But one thing I absolutely love is helping people, talking to people, and encouraging people. I have no idea where i would be be without God guiding me, and my words, when my friend come to me for help.

Another thing I'd like to talk about is my parents. They home schooled six kids willingly. And I was a surprise child, being born five years after my next youngest sister. And my parents have home schooled for 26 years. That very well could have been 21 when my sister graduated, and put me in school. But thank God that they didn't. I don't have anything against the public school system. I just like home schooling better. And it has given me time in my own life to invest in my friendships, music, family, and photography. All things I love.

I must say, to God. I can't thank him enough for all he's done for me. And a line from the play that strikes me through the heart, is that "I belong to him" It gets me every time. He's given me his life on the cross. And it only makes sense that I'd pay him back with my life as well. I can't even express how thankful I am for my King, who has done so much for me. It makes me emotional just thinking about it. My life is before him, as well as it is before me. It's just that he knows more than I do. Which, if you think about it, is pretty freaking awesome.

My name is Jonathan, and I belong to him.